What’s Wrong With Me?

Ever heard the phrase – my tongue was in front of my eyeteeth so I couldn’t see what I was saying?

I’ve heard it for years. It’s kind of a funny way of justifying when you misspoke yourself.

So what would you say when you realize not that you’ve misspoken yourself but that you have been speaking negative?

Plus not just speaking negative but acting negative.

What is it that blinds us from seeing how destructive to our daily living that negativity is?

That’s kind of where I’ve been. Wondering why I am feeling so down.

I’m so blessed to have someone who keeps it real with me. Someone that isn’t afraid to shine a bright light into the darkness that I am creating. He listens, and gets me talking – really talking. He’s a true conversationalist. He refuses to let me wear a mask and hide the real me.

He and I were on the phone and I said, “What the heck is wrong with me?!”

I am discouraged, depressed and being so inconsistent about accomplishing things. I have projects to do and the supplies I need to do them. I have meetings to book and people that want to sit down with me. Yet… I don’t.

And my eating? Don’t even get me started! Cheesecake and ice cream and popcorn! Me? Me? The one who would eat those nasty puke bars! (They weren’t really puke bars, just they smelled and looked so nasty that the boys gave them that term.) Me, the one that knows how much physical pain I will be in as a result of too much unhealthy eating.

So, why when I know how much I will suffer, do I not eat right and avoid the junk food? (An occasional treat is fine, but for me I can’t do that daily and certainly not the multiple times a day that I was partaking in.)

So, why when there are so many good things waiting for me that I would actually enjoy doing, do I not?

It puts me to mind of the Do-do section in the Bible. Where Paul talks about why do I do the things I know not to do when I don’t do what I should do? It’s actual scripture. The reference is Romans 7:15. The scripture is: I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.

{It’s actually kind of a comfort to know that even a superstar like Paul struggled with this.}

I am so blessed that my friend is so self-aware and yet also extremely observant. He said well…

* Perhaps a lack of positive motivational listening?

* Maybe it’s the average of the sum of the five people you surround yourself with? Are you associating with others that are pursuing their passions?

* Could it be that you’re not dreaming?

* Could it be the battle you’re helping your mom fight with Alzheimer’s?

* Do you think that maybe since you can’t talk to your mom about the future – that you’re suppressing your own thoughts of the future?

* Might you be self-sabotaging out of fear?

As he spoke all of these words, it was just like the lights got brighter and brighter. It made so much more sense! I was beating myself up rather than lifting myself up!!

UGH!

It’s not the first time that has happened. Periodically throughout my life I will slip down into a despairing rut. When I am in the rut, it is hard to notice that is where I am and what has happened. All around me I just see the walls and just keep trudging forward.

The crazy thing is, while that is happening, I don’t see the ladders along the way that can get me out. They are camouflaged. I just know that I am exhausted, don’t like my results and feel sad, frustrated and continue to make the same poor choices that keep me feeling yucky.

Yet, suddenly, when I find out where I am – those ladders are a hunter orange color and so hard to miss!

Unfortunately, until something or someone wakes me from my trance, I trudge along in the same rut – never seeing that there is a way out. Not even realizing that I am actually choosing to stay in the negativity, the depression, the darkness.

Once my eyes open, I can see the bold letters on the rungs of the ladder. Each one clear and direct.

I read them and they begin to seem like breadcrumbs that will lead me out of this despair.

PHYSICAL ACTIVITY – the 1st and lowest rung on the ladder. One thing that I have learned over the years is the importance of any form of activity. It’s sort of like that old Christmas song lyric about putting one foot in front of the other. Getting out of bed, off the couch or wherever it may be, is the first step in getting out of the rut.

ASSOCIATION – the next rung is association. This isn’t any association – it’s healthy association. Call or better yet, physically get with a positive person, someone that uplifts you. Negative self talk is not healthy and will not help you get out of the state that you are in. You need positive influence.

DREAM – this step is wider than the others. Perhaps there is a neon light under it. It is vital to bring out the DREAM, dust it and imagine again. Just trudging along without aspirations is so dreary. What kind of dreams? That depends upon you. Maybe it’s financial, maybe it is family and memories, maybe it is health, or a good cause that stirs your heart, whatever it is, you need to discover it. Then you need to court it. Dreams require desire and that will ignite the passion to achieve those dreams.

GAME PLAN – this rung is where things get a bit shakey. This is the step that we almost want to skip over, it just seems almost unnecessary. We feel like just advancing ahead to the next rung would make more sense. This is simply not true. A good game plan created and acted upon is the difference between victory and defeat.

ACTION – we can almost see over the top of the walls that have been defining our existence as we trudge along this rut. This step is the key to our future – the action we take now stabilizes us to take the final step and launch over into a life well lived. Action doled out consistently over time will create a strong basis for security. Following our Game Plan with action will help us achieve the results we long for.

GOALS AND REWARDS – don’t skip this step. You may feel that you are agile enough to transition from Action to life outside of the rut – but don’t chance it. Every step you have taken could crumble and drop you back on your hiney right in that rut! When you Game Plan, set Goals and set Rewards for those Goals being met. I can not stress this emphatically enough. Please take it from someone whose tush still hurts from that drop. Goals and Rewards are a very important part of the ladder of success that gets you out of the rut of mediocrity.

So, I have woke out of my trance, I see my ladder, and now I begin the climb up out of this negative, dark, damp, miserable rut that threatened to swallow me whole.

On to my future!

Keep climbing, Amy

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