I had planned to do Shipt Shopping. The wisdom of it certainly wasn’t there, as my best friend pointed out – I had been to the chiropractor two times the previous day because of the pain and discomfort that I was in. But stubborn as I am, when Ken kindly suggested that I take some time for myself, that he was fine staying home with mom; I decided that I would utilize that time and make some extra money. I would go Shipt Shopping. This was the first opportunity since mom moved in for me to get out there and work. I am certainly not complaining, it has been a blessing having her here and we are having a great time together; that being said, it of course has radically changed my lifestyle.
But… I digress… So, I left the house, headed out, went through the car wash, and then drove down toward the area that I usually choose to shop. At this point I had not accepted any shops, and I was thinking through my schedule and what would be the best action plan. I decided to stop off at a little almost abandoned plaza between our home and the stores. My initial plan was to set up my schedule on Shipt. Before I did that though, the thought ran through my mind to get out and take a walk first, just kind of stretch and warm up the muscles. So, I got out, put on my back brace and started off walking. I had only gone a few hundred feet when the pain decided that apparently, I wasn’t paying enough attention to it. This sent me to tears, as I realized that if I had taken a shop, I wouldn’t have been able to complete it and deliver.
I was so discouraged.
I felt like such a failure.
I felt miserable, dejected, and weak.
I cried but I refused to stop walking, it was slow going, but I just couldn’t quit. I put on my music app to try to worship God while I walked. I did not select any particular song or playlist, just random music.
As I battled feelings of worthlessness, the music sifted past my tears and heartache until I felt it in my soul. God reminding me that I was worth so much more than all of this. The first song was Beautiful by MercyMe.
As the songs played, and I walked, I slowly began to heal. Not the healing of the physical pain that I mentioned earlier, I am talking about the pain in the depths of me.
The pain of feeling so inadequate because I cannot do currently what I used to be able to do.
It began to rain, and that drove me to sit in my vehicle, still worshiping and spending time with my Lord and Savior.
I had brought my journal (thanks Jorjia for ‘Dear Diary’) with me, in case if there was any downtime, I wanted to be productive.
Before I opened it up, I looked and saw the rain drops matching my tear drops. As tears rolled down my cheeks, rain rolled down my window. What I noticed though was the light still peeking out, a bit of hope amid the clouds. I picked up my journal and pen.
Instead of writing though, I felt that I should just read it. So, I did. What an eye opener.
You may recall from ‘Spinning Those Darn Plates’ that I have difficulty saying no and overloading my schedule. Well, reading my journal showed me in sort of a ‘time continuum loop’ (thanks Star Trek for the analogy!). I had written about what I was dealing with about a year ago – and I have gone full circle. I am in almost the same place I was! What?! How can that be?!
Well, a simple story can help explain it.
I don’t recall where I first heard this, but it makes so much sense. Airplanes have to continually course correct, otherwise when they leave from point A and head toward point B, they may end up at point C instead! The smallest degree off of that path, left unadjusted, would cause them to arrive miles from their original destination.
So, for us, it is the same thing. It is so important to make sure that we are constantly headed in the right direction. Little reviews periodically to ensure that we are not getting away from our projected destination.
Well, there I was sitting and feeling sorry for myself – reading about how a year ago that I was feeling the same way! Let’s just say it was quite a shock and very humbling because, I know to keep an eye on that with all of the personal and leadership self-development I have done the last few years.
I sat there for a moment and reviewed my last few months.
- Quality time with God? Ummm… well…. what had happened was… yeah, thinking it through, my quality time had become a bit more like ‘drive through prayers’.
- Reading positive information? From reading a book a month to maybe reading a book every 2 months.
- Listening to audios? From an average of 3 a day to more like 3 a week.
- Positive Association? I am pretty lucky, that my family is pretty positive. But other than family time and church, I really hadn’t been out much for a bit.
- Stretches and therapeutic exercises? Practically nonexistent. Even though I know that daily to function, I need to do these. No wonder the pain is nonstop.
Reading that journal, seeing the light shining through the rain, listening to the music and God, all began to help me see that I don’t have to stay where I am. I don’t have to feel like I feel. I realize I am exactly where I am because of what I’m doing.
Is it possible to change my behaviors and have the outcome eventually change my circumstances? Yes. It is. I know this because I know when I am actually doing those 5 things that I mentioned above consistently and intentionally I don’t feel as awful as I felt then. I have to say no to some of the urgent and make sure the important is taken care of. I need to make myself a priority.
Have you ever felt the way I did?
Have you taken the time to honestly look at what you had made priorities around that time?
Take time today, you deserve it.
Rejoicing in the rain, Amy