**Disclaimer – the following blog post is solely the ever-expanding opinions and thoughts of me, Jorjia May. My hope is not to offend or anger anyone but to simply express myself and help others to think and hopefully to help them decide to expand and develop their relationship with their Higher Power**
I grew up in a Christian home. We were taught to believe in God and the beliefs of the churches that we attended. I have been a perfectionist ever since I can remember, and I guess that transferred over to my religious beliefs too. So, I grew up feeling like I had to be perfect for God to love me. I believed in Jesus, but somehow thought I had to be perfect for Him to approve of me. I thought somehow, someway I could earn His love.
Then, as I got a little older – I went through some things that made me hate God. I still believed in Him – but I was angry. I felt like he didn’t protect me and therefore must not love me – which made me feel hurt and angry. I HATED HIM. I wanted NOTHING to do with Him.
I continued to help in the church, because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. Kept going through the motions – but the resentment continued to grow. I grudgingly preformed my duties in the youth group, nursery and children’s church. I did a good job, but now it was more to spite God than to serve Him.
I grew further and further from God, to the point that I barely even prayed for Him to help me out of bad situations. (You know – those prayers that go “God, if you get me out of this ticket – I promise I will never speed again!’ or “God, if you help me to pay this bill, I swear I will be more careful with my spending!”) I think they call those ‘foxhole’ prayers. I still thought of God often, but always with disdain. I wanted to bring God pain, because I felt like He had abandoned me in my time of need. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with a ‘loving father’ up in the sky.
I don’t know that any one thing really turned my views around or if it was a mixture of everything. It was a slow process, but eventually I beat myself up enough trying to run from God – that my heart finally softened to the point that I was able to be open to the idea of God again.
After I got clean and sober, I was working steps with my sponsor. I learned through the steps that I could choose my own Higher Power. I don’t have to adopt the same ideas God that any particular church or religion deems fit. My God doesn’t have to fit their mold.
My relationship is so much different now thanks to my Twelve Step Program I have learned to grow my own conception of God. I see God everywhere and in everything. I see Him constantly working in my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He knows exactly what is best for me and He is helping me get there. My conception of God is much different from what it was when I was a child. I no longer see God as a mean, judging entity who will only accept me if I am perfect. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but I am not perfect – and that is okay. He doesn’t expect me to be. Today, I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have God guiding me, I start and end my day with prayer – and honestly that has made the biggest impact on my life. Having a relationship with God is one of the things that I am most grateful for in my life. Its like having a best friend who is always with you, no matter what. I no longer have to stress out about things that are beyond my control, because today I can give them over to God.
Do you have a Higher Power/God?
How is your God now, different than the one you grew up with?
Do you know why you believe what you believe?
Don’t stop believing, Jorjia