Today as I was reflecting on my life, I can see where you have always been there – fighting for me. It is amazing to think about the times that I was so angry with you, I thought I hated you. I thought you hated me. Why else would you have allowed these things to be happening to me?
But today I look back and I smile, I don’t like everything that had to happen – but I know that those are the things that made me the person that I am today. They are the things that make me more relatable, more understanding, more compassionate. Without those hard times I could never appreciate the good times.
Today I am grateful. I am grateful that I am not in control, because I can’t see the whole picture. They say that hindsight is 20/20, sometimes that is true. But even in hindsight I can’t always see the whole puzzle.
This month I celebrated 2 years without any mind or mood-altering substance. If that isn’t a miracle, then I don’t know what is. It completely blows my mind. I remember the times when I couldn’t go more than 2 hours without a drink or a drug. I couldn’t go more than 2 seconds without thinking about it. I couldn’t hold a conversation – much less a job. My life was in ruins, my emotions a wreck and my relationships in complete disarray. I didn’t know how to deal with life on life’s terms and I blamed you. I thought you had left me. Now I know that wasn’t true, you never left. I was the one who turned my back on you.
Today you have given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. More than I could have ever hoped or imagined. Drugs and alcohol are no longer my higher power and you have taken your rightful place. Today I am employable, I have even been called ‘reliable’ and ‘trustworthy’! Can you believe that?
My relationships today are about trust and love, they are no longer about what I can get from the other person. Today I can be a good friend, a good daughter and a good sister. I have people I can count on today.
The insanity in my head is much quieter now, I know I can call out to you when it tries to get louder. I am learning to love myself today, which is probably the most amazing part of all. I used to hate myself so deeply. I just wanted to die. Things are so different now, I almost don’t recognize the person I used to be. You are making me new. I am so grateful to you.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-4